the acting role I hate the most...

...is life itself.

And I don't even believe I'm acting for others, because, that's not it, it was only a good phrase.... I meant that you end up puting masks, different versions of yourself. A picture of you, still, determinate, not quite...you. Or if you mind another example, a veil, so it depends with whom you are, how much you lower it, and how much you show of yourself.

Because this mask or veil is unconsiously thrown or forced upon by those who care about you, or worse by those who doesn't care about you trhough those who do. Because, if someone doesn't really understand you, then you're preety fuckin' lucky if he accepts or "understands to let you be".
But because you care about them you end up... not lying but tring to make them happy, specially when they're stubborn....

"yeah, that 2hr play was great...It's not my stile but it has really some work on it" - My butt went numb and it was one of those `I'll do something kind of modern and for that you have to think it's good´ but it was nonsensical...
"I don't believe that"... is going to be the solution of the problem, in fact why do they keep bringing it up???
"I'm going to start waking up early" ... because I'm fucking tired of you fighting and naggin' me for waiking up late, ok sometimes I screw up, but you don't let me make it up or fix it! Fuck... what's so terribly good about mornings anyways huh? I've woken up at 6:30 for 6 years and there's nothig peachy about it! and it just goes on and on about sacrifice they do that no one ask them, but hell you need to repay! yeah fucking right... nothing's ever good enough, if I get things done, does it matter if it's evening or morning?? Others may tell you "you're right" just so you shut up and think otherwhise , but as I care for you I try to make you see my point of view, not to change yours, but for you to understand me... I'm starting to feel it's a waste of time...

Fuck!

yeah, I have a trucker's mouth when I'm angry, or at least so I'm told...

Besides, you know one of those weeks, when you do EVERYTHING WRONG
and I men EVERYTHING....
Like you can't control screwing things up, you do it unintentionally, and you realize 5 seconds afterwards.... and of course, it's late... the shit is done....
Fuck... Fuck, fuck fuck fuck.....Damn.....
The worst is when you screw up so badly that it actually makes you sick.... because, hell you feel like shit... ussually I accept it and will low profile, tail between legs, take the fault.
But what when you screw things up, you apologize, you fix what you can, and, the other party is still mad? and, you know, they're right, but, you can't do more about it... 'xcept wait? YOU FEEL LIKE CRAP.
Like you don't deserve to do the things you like, or be really happy, cause there's someone you care you let down, you have betrayed in some way, and hasn't forgave you, so how can you go around normally? It's like Purgatory, figures....you pick up where you were, but you feel hollow and ashamed.... oh, and almost don't eat for 2 days because you're digusted with yourself.

And even if your life was such on great tracks before, and you follow them... you just want to... Fly away, and really start over, new beggining, no middle term....